Dream Goal
No goal. Just interested to see where my mind takes me.
Meditation and Sleep
No meditation. Went to bed at 12:20am. Woke at 4:15am and recalled this dream:
- Me and Emily were working in the porn industry, for some reason.
- I was the “watching husband” (cuckold?).
- Neither of us were enjoying it.
- Emily was more amused by taking the piss out of other men and watching them embarrass themselves.
Went back to bed at 4:30am. Woke to the sound of Toby crying out my name, like he was still in bed sick.
Contemplation & Connections
Wow. I’m not really sure what to make of this one. I shared it with Emily and we both agree that it’s strange and awkward, at minimum. I suppose it could be a reflection of the fact that Emily and I have had trouble being intimate since Toby was first diagnosed with cancer. It’s also felt more difficult to communicate with Emily without feeling like I’m interrupting something she’s doing, which recently has been a lot of engaging with people online. Although I’m just as guilty of that.
Waking up to the sound of Toby calling out my name was terrifying. It felt like I was on-call again to look after his needs while he was ill. Circumstances I don’t think I ever really got used to, and wasn’t fully adjusted to before he died. If I’m totally honest, I think I still feel a bit like how I felt when we were settling in to the idea of caring for a chronically ill child, before we knew how serious his diagnosis was. But that’s not what’s happening, so now what?