Dream Goal
None
Meditation and Sleep
No meditation. Went to bed at 11:00 pm and woke up at 6:30 am.
Dream
I found myself at a cooking event with Gordon Ramsay. A group of us were preparing lunch.
For some reason, I thought it was appropriate to eat what I cooked before it could be evaluated. I don’t think I realized we were being evaluated, but that it was an event to enjoy the experience of cooking. Woops.
By the time I realized my error, it was too late to do anything about it. I didn’t make any excuses. I know I messed up and apologized. Ramsay gave me a severe on-brand verbal thrashing. But in doing so, he crossed a line with me by suggesting that Toby was better off dead.
I walked away from the event, throwing my chef’s jacket on the ground as I left. When I left the room, I broke down crying the same way I did when I learned at Sick Kids that Toby was going to die.
Later, Ramsay visited my hotel room to personally apologize.
I appreciated that he took time from his schedule to apologize personally. I believed his apology was sincere. But I still had a hard time forgiving him.
In a flash/next moment, I had learned the recipe for Toby’s favourite Mac and Cheese and served it instead. I didn’t complete the task that was expected of me, but did receive complements on the Mac and Cheese.
Contemplations and Connections
This dream was tough.
I felt like there were parallels to the journey we followed in learning of Toby’s cancer. Our health system didn’t understand what they were looking for, and failed to do what was expected of them. I was enraged early in my grief about the health system failing Toby.
I also remember feeling like I had failed to do my job as a parent in keeping Toby alive, and what it feels like when people are insensitive about my grief.
Man. I really want a proper serving of Mac and Cheese